Therapy ABC – Empathy

Prologue

Therapy ABC is a series of blogs that I put together to help shed some light on the vocabulary of therapy. Each blog will focus on one key phrase that you may have heard in therapy. Let’s find out what these phrases do not mean and what they really mean by your therapist!

Today’s vocabulary is Empathy.

In a previous blog, I looked at the notion of acceptance as a state of being and a stance we take. This perspective offers a departure from the common understanding of acceptance as approval, in opposition to rejection. In therapy, acceptance is conveyed by holding a welcoming space for you to bring yourself forward, as much or as little as you want, at a pace that you feel comfortable with. It is the foundational support for the self-explorative work I try to facilitate in my sessions with clients.

Another buzzword in and out of the therapy room is empathy. When we are genuinely open to another person’s experience, allowing them to express how they feel physically and emotionally, articulate what is on their mind and extrapolate the meaning they hold to make sense of the experience with acceptance, we embark on the journey of relating empathically to that person.

Building on the idea that acceptance is a non-action, empathy, on the contrary, has a lot more to do with action. It involves extending ourselves into the other person’s experience. Empathy requires us to engage with their experience using our imagination, to “step into their shoes”, and to enter into their subjective world. We listen to their words while also paying attention to their presence as fully as possible, a grimace, a shaky voice, a moment of holding breadth, as these can all be communicative of their moment-to-moment experience.

Up to this point, I am referring to empathy as an internal process. However, it doesn’t end there. Empathy is not merely a warm and cosy feeling (or any particular feeling for that matter) or an evaluation of the other person’s situation that we keep to ourselves. It calls us to take a step further by skilfully sharing our understanding with the other person. Consider this example of empathic communication: “You mentioned that everything is well and good at home with your partner, and I noticed that you paused between sentences and your voice tailed off. Is there anything that may not be going well at home?” Through exchanges like this, we check out what has been explicitly said, while gently uncovering what is unspoken and implied. Gradually, we align our understanding of the other’s experience with theirs, putting together a shared understanding.

While acceptance serves as the foundational support for self-exploration, empathy is the facilitative ingredient for the explorative process. I like to end this blog by highlighting that although both qualities are highly valued in interpersonal relationships, from my experience the best way to begin or continue cultivating these qualities is with ourselves, by holding an open and curious noticing to our own experience. Working with a therapist can support this process as some behaviours and beliefs that hinder self-acceptance and empathy may run deep and need unpacking.

Hope this helps. Till next time!

Epilogue

This picture was taken outside of Southbank Centre, London. The bench reinvented by Jeppe Hein gets you even closer to the person you are sitting next to.