Therapy ABC – Defensive

Prologue

Therapy ABC is a series of blogs that I put together to help shed some light on the vocabulary of therapy. Each blog will focus on one key phrase that you may have heard in therapy. Let’s find out what these phrases do not mean and what they really mean by your therapist!

Today’s vocabulary is Defensive.

In my previous posts, I have touched upon the psychological phenomenon of minimisation and comparison. If these are habitually used to manage emotional discomfort, they may be qualified as defensive behaviours. Like psychological shields, they are weapons we wield when threats are detected in life.

Standing up for ourselves when in danger is part of our survival instinct, defence in particular indicates we are up against the kind of danger that derives from an attack, be it a perceived or an actual one. Psychologically speaking, this kind of self-protecting behaviour is certainly a way to defend but doesn’t necessarily fall under the defensive category.

In interpersonal settings, a behaviour is usually considered defensive when it transpires passive-aggressiveness or outright aggression. I sometimes find this labelling approach rigid and wonder if it can put people in boxes. Context-dependent, labelling can be a defensive behaviour too, even though it may be objectively sounding.

I propose what differentiates defensiveness from defence is something more subtle. Yes, here I am referring to the unconscious. Defensiveness is often unconscious, meaning it is a chain of behaviours that happens without our intended efforts. Let me illustrate:

• Your boss delivers some unfavourable feedback. Later on, you find yourself confiding in a colleague, saying “It’s because they are mean”.
• Your partner seeks your attention, and you think to yourself “Here they are, playing games again”. You put on a smile but internally withdraw.
• A fellow driver doesn’t yield, and you immediately label them “out of order” and “crazy”;
• Consider the first scenario once again: your boss delivers some unfavourable feedback, and you tell yourself, “I deserve it because I am stupid.”

In each of the above scenarios, there is an attack and a counteraction, either directed outwardly or inwardly. There is an implicit motive behind each counteraction: to shield us from psychological harm induced by the perceived or actual attack. Reading the scenarios again, what would you say may the emotional pain be behind each counteraction?

I hope this post has piqued your curiosity and provided some entry points to start seeing not only the behaviours of others but also your own in context. Next time, when you notice an aggression in yourself that seems impulsive or “irrational”, try to stay open and be curious. Could it be a reaction to feeling under attack? In what ways might you be defending yourself? What kind of pain is elicited in you?

Hope this is helpful. Till next time.

Epilogue

Thinking of cultural representation of defensive characteristics, the Queen of Hearts in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland springs to mind. “Off with their heads!”, she is certainly quick to judge and condemn. There will soon be no heads left going at this rate.